Don’t hide your struggles from others. Instead, learn to talk over it with others. This will help you heal and recover.

Not everyone is going to empathize with you or even listen to your problems.

But your true friends will, and they will be there for you.

I have a tendency to hide my struggles and try to deal with them by myself. Whenever I do that, I’ll end up struggling on my own.

There’s a time and place for silence and solitude when it comes to healing, but that even that needs to be done within the context of authentic community and deep friendships.  That means we practice silence and solitude while having a community that supports us.

There’s something about sharing your struggles with someone you trust that helps you heal. We’re not created to go through life’s journey on our own, and we can only do it with others when it comes to healing.

We need feedback, affirmation, empathy, prayers, and understanding from others in order to heal physically and mentally. That means being around people who can help us heal and not just anyone.

We need community, but not all communities are created the same. Some are safe places for people to find healing, while others are not.

A community should allow people to share their struggles freely and not feel like they have to hide them.

Let’s start with the community that we’re a part of or how we can find one. The kind of community you need is one that has a focus on your spiritual well-being.

We need to start with ourselves – contribute to the group, help with leading, and help others grow. If we contribute nothing, we’ll receive nothing.

Everyone has something to contribute.  Even if you think you can’t be the leader of the group, there are many other ways you can help – you can love people, encourage them or be a good listener.

People need affirmation and encouragement, and there are many ways to help a group grow. God has created you and placed you there for a reason – to be a part of the community and to contribute to its growth.

I used to think that I have nothing to contribute and my presence in the group is just by chance.

Here are the lessons I’ve learned over the years.

The greatest contribution you can make is to love people.  What we need most in these times of chaos and division is a community that loves people unconditionally, especially so if they have different views.

This means all of us have something to contribute when it comes to community.  We might not be able to connect with every single person we come across, but we can make an effort to love people and serve them wherever we go.

God’s power can open doors that no one else can.  We won’t be able to love people unconditionally out of our own power.  But God will make his power available to us when we wait upon him.

The key here is wait upon him.  It’s not moving ahead on our own but developing that sensitivity in our heart to know how to depend on his power while we carry out his mission.

Just as we learn how to pace ourselves when we work throughout the day or when caring for a child over a weekend, we can grow this sensitivity within us to depend on God as we serve him.

Focus on our own hearts.

We need to focus on our attitude and heart when it comes to doing life with others. In any kind of group setting, there will be ups and downs. There will even be days when you want to give up and walk away.

How you navigate and manage these events will often boil down to your own heart. 

I’ve been in situations where I want to quit and not have to carry the burden of friendships anymore.

Here’s what has helped me the most – focusing on my growth when I’m struggling with others. Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, I focus on the deep work God wants to do in my heart.

There are issues of resentment and bitterness within my heart that God wants to deal with. During these seasons of reflection and growth, I was able to allow Him to do the deeper work within me.

If I had merely focused on all that was wrong with the group or with people, then I’d miss this time of personal growth.

Whenever we reflect prayerfully, we’re able to focus on knowing if the issue that’s driving us crazy has to do more with our own heart, with others, or both.

Since it’s easier to point the finger at others, it’s a good practice to start with our own hearts first. Once we’ve dealt with ourselves, it’s a lot easier to address other issues.

When we try to address issues outside of ourselves before we’ve dealt with our heart issues, it will usually turn out worse. If we try to deal with something from a place of resentment, we will end up more resentful than before.

Dealing with our own heart issues does not mean becoming perfect first – it means the willingness to acknowledge that there are deep-rooted issues within us that are causing us to be resentful, bitter, or critical toward others.

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” – Colossians 3:13

Our hearts could also be dealing with deeper issues of hurt from the past that caused us to be offended easily. Or we could be dealing with issues of aloneness from our childhood that made us feel like we’re here by ourselves.  These issues could trigger past wounds within us whenever someone says something to us.

Prayer –

“I pray over the issues of bitterness and resentment within me. I’m sorry that I’ve held grudges against others and refused to forgive them. Help me to release all my bitterness and heal me in the places where I’ve been hurt deeply.

I pray over the deep hurt I’ve experienced in the past that caused me to be defensive. I pray for Your healing in my life over the events that broke my heart when I was a child.

I pray over the times when I felt alone in this world when I was a child. I pray that You will heal these deep wounds and allow me to receive Your embrace daily.  In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

A community that heals

This may only be true for some communities, but in general, many of us struggle to find people with whom we can confide in. Maybe a lot of that has to do with the expectations that we place on each other.

So what can we do differently, then?

Find someone you trust to begin the journey. I know this can be hard, but one thing I’ve done differently is by living my life openly, taking risks with others, and becoming the person that I want others to be. Instead of asking why there aren’t people that I can confide in, I ask myself if I’m someone that others can trust and talk to.

Start small and listen well. You don’t have to dive deeply into all of your issues right from the get-go or whenever you meet up. Start small and allow the other person to also share their struggles. Don’t try to fix or advise them, instead, try to journey with them. It’s easy to give advice when we have yet to be in someone’s shoes.

Learn to empathize instead of trying to fix someone. Our tendency is to fix it whenever we see or hear something. But unsolicited advice drives people away. Realize that most people already know the answer; what they need is for people to listen to them.

It’s different if people ask us questions. That’s when they’re looking for an answer.

But suppose someone is sharing what they’re struggling with, such as an addiction or a mental health issue – in that case, they usually need empathy first, more than a solution to fix their issue.

Be the person that you want your friends to be. If you want people to care about you, start by learning what it means to care for others. If you want people to journey with you, learn what it takes to truly journey with others through thick and thin.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” – Romans 12:10

Prayer –

“Thank you for the friends that You’ve allowed into my life. I’m sorry for messing so up many times in my journey. Restore my heart and remove the bitterness within me from these failed friendships.

Help me to honor them by being more patient and understanding.  Teach me to start with myself and let me be the one who reaches out first.  When my heart feels tired, help me to seek after You and find my belonging in You.

I want to chase after You and may Your presence be the main source and guide in all my friendships. 

In Jesus’ name.  Amen”

Sometimes the journey will get messy, but that’s the cost of friendship. There will be days of disappointment, letdowns, and even betrayals. But in the end, we have control over what’s most important, our attitude and heart toward others.

You can’t control people from letting you down, but you have control over whether or not you will forgive and be gracious.